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The way that companies hire people has changed, but the way that people apply for jobs has not. This is a fundamental disconnect that harms job seekers.

The Traditional Way to Apply for a Job

The old way of applying to jobs was to create a resume that was a chronology of your work experience, starting from when you began working to the present day, including jobs that overlapped and jobs that might not be currently connected to what you do: contract positions, freelance positions, volunteering. Etc.

You would either send that resume out to the jobs you're applying for, or you might do a little bit of adjusting to match the job posting. When you got into the job search portal – LinkedIn, CareerBuilder, Indeed, etc. – you would read through the posting to see if it was a good fit.

As you read through the posting, you fall a little bit in love with the job. You start to see yourself in it. You get excited about certain parts of it. As you adjust your resume, you think, "Oh my gosh, I am such a good fit for this. They would be fools not to call me in."

You go through that whole process. If you're providing a cover letter, you do the same thing. You read the job posting, get a sense of how you're a good fit, and fall a little bit in love. Then you write the cover letter about why you'd be a great experience fit, how you could help them, how they could help you, and how you'd be a great cultural fit.

If you get an interview, you walk through a very similar process. You prep based on the job posting, the company website, their social media, press releases – all the while falling more and more in love with the job.

What used to happen for average people was this: a traditional job seeker would apply to maybe 10 to 20 jobs, get about 5 interviews, maybe end up with two offers to choose from, and off they go. For pivoters, they’ve always had to apply to more jobs than traditional job seekers. Let’s say they applied to 50 to 75 jobs, got a handful of interviews – maybe around 5 – and got one offer.

Why You’re Applying to 100+ Jobs and Still Not Getting Hired

Now, people are applying to hundreds of jobs. The average job search in the United States lasts six months. That means some people are below that, but it also means many are above. People are reporting job searches lasting a year or more. And that’s a lot more than applying to 20 jobs. People are applying to 5, 10, 20 times that – while still taking the old approach and falling in love with each job.

In this modern market, people get ghosted. Sometimes you apply and don’t even get a confirmation that your application has been received. You might get an email that the position has been filled, yet the posting is still up.

Let’s say you get into an interview. You could find out the position is closing, they’re not going to hire anyone, or they’re changing the title and restarting the search. Or someone else was just a bit more perfect – they had a certain kind of experience that you didn’t.

This happens over and over. And because of how many jobs you have to apply to in this market, instead of a little heartbreak like in a traditional job search, you are now brokenhearted over and over again.

What does that do? It makes it very hard to keep going. The only way out is through. The only way to get a job is to keep going. But if it breaks your heart every single time, it becomes harder and harder to do the work, apply, and go to interviews.

The old way served us for a long time – until it didn’t. Now, it doesn’t work anymore because it causes you to get too invested in the search without any potential for payoff, and with a lot of potential for heartbreak.

How the Market has Changed

So, what can we do instead? What’s the new way to search for jobs that will support us?

First and foremost, understand a couple of crucial things about what’s happening.

Understanding the Rise of Fake Job Postings

One: a significant number of postings on job sites are not real. These companies are not actually hiring.

What are they doing? In some cases, they’re collecting resumes for future searches. They could be collecting information for data harvesting. They might be pretending to their current employees that they’re filling open slots – restoring sanity – but have no intention of hiring. They may want to look more competitive to clients or competitors, appearing to grow when they are not.

So, not every job you see is real. When you keep that front and center, it becomes clear that you can’t spend three, four, five hours prepping a job application when you don’t know if it’s real.

I’ve run tests. I hired a few others, and we tried different strategies to determine whether a job posting was real. We tried only Easy Applies, only company sites using enterprise software like Workday or ADP. We tried Lever, Greenhouse, applying via email, and focusing only on postings shared directly by someone.

None of it worked. Not one thing we tried increased the response rate. The number of real versus fake jobs is pretty even across all those channels. Everyone trying to use these jobs to their advantage is using all the different methods of posting a vacancy.

By the way, that doesn’t mean I think someone who shares a job posting on LinkedIn is doing something wrong. I don’t think they know their workplace has no intention of hiring. They’re cogs in the machine, just like everyone else.

Hold that first point in mind: a lot of job postings are fake.

Everyone Wants to Hire Someone Who’s Already Done the Job

The second thing: everyone wants to hire someone who’s already done the job. This has always been true for pivoters, but now it’s true for traditional job seekers too.

You might think, "That’s fine – I have done the job." But they don’t mean it in that simple way. They want someone who woke up this morning wearing an "I’ve done this job" pajama set, went downstairs, ate it for breakfast, wrote a blog post about it, and posted on LinkedIn.

They want the job to be your identity.

Job Typecasting: How It’s Limiting Your Career Options

It’s like typecasting. When Hollywood stars aren’t in control of their careers, they get put in the same roles over and over. When they do take control, you see them break out – like Daniel Radcliffe after the boy who will not be named. He’s done wonderful, diverse roles. If you haven’t seen him in The Lost City with Sandra Bullock, it’s great. But before that, he was stuck in a type.

That’s all of us right now in the job search: stuck in typecasting mode.

Remember: not every job you apply to is real, and everyone wants you to have been born to do this job.

How to Present Yourself for Different Roles – Like an Actor

An example I often give clients is to think of it like performing. Let’s say you’re an actor going on auditions. You’re multi-talented, so you go in for all sorts of roles. For Abbott Elementary, your headshot says “teacher” and you wear a teachery outfit. For Law & Order: SVU, you’ve got your gritty leather jacket detective headshot and a different monologue. That’s how you have to think about the job search. You have to present the exact version of what they’re expecting – just like an actor auditioning for a type.

What to Do with Your LinkedIn Profile When You Wear Many Hats

The third thing: even if you present yourself in different ways in your materials, you only have one LinkedIn profile. If you present yourself in only one way, others will be confused if that doesn’t match what they’re looking for. But if you present all the variations at once, you’ll look scattered.

Instead, be ultra-specific in your resume – being the “type” they expect – and more generic on LinkedIn. That way, everyone who arrives gets a sense of how you could be a good fit, without being disqualified for seeming like a different type.

These are the ways we prepare ourselves to navigate this heartbreaking job search more effectively.

Adapting Your Job Search to Today’s Reality

When I took all these factors into account, I decided there was only one path forward – we needed to make our materials in advance – resumes, cover letters, and a unified LinkedIn profile. We needed to decide what role types in what industries we were targeting, and create for the bell curve.

The bell curve, also known as the normal distribution, is a statistical graph that shows how data is spread out around a central value. When we create to that central value, we pick up the majority of what we need to without having to iterate from scratch every time we apply or interview.

First, you must decide what roles you want to apply to. Then, you must study the roles, getting granular on what unifies them, while understanding the outliers, and create highly specific resumes and cover letters for each type. Your LinkedIn complements the resumes by speaking to their experience and skills generally.

This way, you don’t have to adjust everything each time you apply, falling in love with a job that might be more Casper than Casanova.

Same with interviews. Using an improv-based interview technique, job seekers can prepare ahead of time and then adapt to the prompts in the moment. This means you are highly prepared for interviews without engaging in the traditional process which gives you heart eyes for the job.

Final Thoughts: The Only Way Out Is Through

The old ways don’t work anymore because the job market has changed. If you want to keep your heart intact, you have to change with it. Understand how the market currently functions, and adjust your strategy so that you can function within it.

Any questions, let me know. And if you're interested in one-on-one support, I’d be happy to help. You can start a free strategy session with me, and we can talk about your job search right now, today.

First and most importantly, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's awful, and it doesn't matter if you chose to take the package or if you were forced out. Either way, this wasn’t your choice. When your work is disrupted in this way, it's very disconcerting, affecting your family, your livelihood, and your health insurance. I'm so very sorry, and you get to feel however you want to feel about it.

Although there's nothing comparable to what you're currently experiencing, I too was laid off, having no choice and experienced chaos and so much fear because I was the sole provider for my family, and we were losing our income as well as our insurance. It was a very, very difficult time. I also have helped hundreds of people, including career changers and folks that have been laid off. I've even worked with people who pivoted into or out of the federal government. Additionally, because the federal government is contracting, it's very likely that you're going to have to make a career pivot yourself, because there will be fewer positions available and more people going for them. Because that’s my area of expertise, I wanted to give you some tips to consider as you decide “What next?”

The three things I want you to be thinking about are pivoting, coming from an unexpected job loss, and then translating your experience. Let’s dive in.

Pivoting from your federal career

If you're pivoting, there are three ways that you could possibly think about it. One is the idea that you're changing your industry. The other is that you're transferring your job function. And then third, it's isolating your individual job duties down to a single function.

The first one is the simplest, I think, the idea of changing your industry. You keep the same role type; you're just doing it in a new place. If you were a project manager at some federal government agency, you would become a project manager in tech, for example, or any other industry. You could even go to another government entity like a state or a local government. Another example, let's say you're a program manager at an agency. You could become a program manager in a health care system. A variation on this would be if you were doing something related to health care, you could would then do your same role, but on the private side. You were e a healthcare program officer at the NIH, you could become a program officer in a healthcare system. This is the simplest sort of pivot you could do with your career.

Now, something else you can consider is transferring the job function of what you do to another space that does and needs the same thing. For example, let's say you do something with diversity, equity, and inclusion for the federal government, some sort of agency work, and then you could transfer that to something like cross cultural communication in student affairs at a university or working with international students at a university. You could do the same sort of job function at a corporation also.

Another example is let's say you do some sort of support services in an agency. You're supporting different departments, getting them things they need, and maybe you take that same job function and you become a customer success manager in a tech company or some other tech company or in healthcare or anything like that. You're taking all the function of what it means to be someone who supports others either across an agency or interagency or something like that and then you're doing that same thing but for customers.

Now let's look at our third option. The third pivot option is about isolating job function, and I thought the easiest way to show this would be if we looked at an actual job posting. This is an actual job posting from USA Jobs dot Gov, and this is a number of job duties from that posting. Work includes:

• Effective guidance for development of long-range strategic and short-range tactical plans

• Directly assist director in the management of all administrative support program functions

• Serve as a resident subject matter expert for all mandated administrative support programs

• Maintains viable organizational structure and quality programs to ensure accomplishment of the task assigned to and by director of the test wing commander

• Participates with key personnel in defining credit goals and objectives in preparing master plan for accomplishment

• Participates in planning developing and monitoring long range strategic plans relative to enhancements of the call for range complex

When I read this posting, what I see here is in this first bullet point, very much focused on strategy. That job function – strategy – could be then deployed in another role type in another industry. The next is administration. That, of course, can also be a function that is very transferable to many other types of industries. And then this fourth one, maintaining the organizational structure and quality programs, I could see that both, it could be an operations management, or it could be a program management. Of course, if I was working with this person, I would ask more questions to get a solid sense of it, but I could see how both of those would be possible within that work. And then lastly, participating in the planning, developing, and monitoring of long-range strategic plans, that sounds like project management to me.

You could do this also. You could look at the total job function that you do across your role, and then see what is that closest role type, and then isolate down to whatever that is for your career pivot.

Unexpected job loss

Now, the next consideration I really want you to think about when your work ends unexpectedly and also in what is a traumatic way – sometimes you want to forget it.

And the thing is you will forget it; partially because you want to and partially because of time and you're not doing it anymore It will help your job search tremendously If you do actually remember, and so let's talk about how you can do that.

First, you can start by reviewing your life. You can review your:

• social media

• calendar

• messages

• DM’s

• emails

• personal notes

• cell phone photos

• Voxer / Signal / audio notes

Now what is this going to help you do? It’s going to help orient yourself in space and time.

Next, who do you talk to about your life? You can talk to these people directly. You can talk to your family members, your partner, your friends. You can also talk to former co-workers. What was I working on? What was I talking about? This work is what you’re going to want to be highlighting on your resume. The specifics, the details, this is what is going to make your resume pop. These details are what make your interview stories land.

Another exercise that works for a lot of folks that I have worked with when they can't remember their work any more, is to think of a moment in time, typically it's a moment that you consider the start of something, and work your way forward in time. Root yourself in that routine. Let’s say you consider the start of some facet of your work to be in the Fall. Picture yourself in August or September. What’s the kickoff? And what happens next? This will help you remember.

Maybe it didn’t start at the beginning of a season, maybe it started in a certain month – maybe January, maybe April. Maybe it’s the start of a certain project. Maybe it’s not a season or a month but when a type of thing happened. Start at what you consider the beginning and work your way through it.

Now that we have these different ways for you to access the work, what next? Ideally you brainstorm:

• I did what?

• For whom?

• For what purpose?

• What was the result?

If you achieved the desired result, all the better! Even knowing what you did is useful to you though. Jotting down every detail you remember. These notes will be what you build your resume from. And right now, this current moment, is the time you are most likely to remember what you did.

Now how can we collect this brainstorm? There are a few different ways, contigent on your preference and best ways to work. You could write it down, either stream of consciousness or write a list. You could create a mind map visual. You could also talk it out. You could record yourself, and then you could pull a transcript from the audio. I do this myself sometimes, record myself talking to myself (my neighbors enjoy it quite a bit!), and then I review the transcript. Lastly, some people work best when prompted. You could hop on a Zoom call with someone else and record the meeting. That person could be someone who knows nothing about you and is good at asking questions, or it could even be a former colleague and you are helping each other.

Translating yourself

The final consideration I want you to keep top of mind is translating yourself and your experience. This is very difficult for most pivoters, but it’s a crucial part of your search.

There are a few common mistakes that people make related to this. First, a lot of people believe that they should present themselves as they normally would and that the person reading or the person listening, either someone reading your resume or listening to your interview, that they're going to translate you. They’ll make sense of what you’re saying. That is 100% not true.

Not only is someone not going to translate you, they likely actually can’t translate you. It’s possible that if you’re interviewing with someone who previously pivoted out of the federal government, in the same or similar area as you, will understand you. My colleague Ed Herzog calls that idiosyncratic fit, and it’s not something you can depend on. It’s much more likely the person will have no idea what you speak of.

Another common mistake that people make is that they think that it's wrong for them to talk about their work in a different way. It feels unethical, or it feels disingenuous. That is just not true. The likelihood is that you already talk about your work in different ways to different people. For example, I went to the school for theatre. Based on where you trained, you even spell “theatre” differently (theater). If you apprenticed at one theatre or went to one graduate program or trained with someone specific, you might call the exact same item, or process, or methodology a different name. You learn all the terms eventually because you all have to be able to talk to each other, and that’s not disingenuous. That’s communication!

You probably also speak differently about your work when talking to someone in the same department, versus in the same field. That’s different than you would talk to someone in a different department, versus how you might talk to a supervisor. You might even “manage up,” providing an executive summary without too many details so you can move forward what you need to. You adjust so you can get what you need. Is that unethical? Or is it communication? It makes sense to change your language based off your audience and your objective. That’s all we’re doing.

Now, the last mistake people make is they generalize everything. If I am super genetal about everything I say, then people will really understand me! What sadly actually ends up happening is people understand nothing of what you’re saying because you’ve essentially removed the details, the story, and the plot points that ground them. What you need to do instead is be specific about the part that is relevant to the pivot, and then generalize any of the parts that would either create confusion or would cause the person to consider you irrelevant.

Free resources for you

I have a number of free resources I'd like to share with you.

First, I myself was laid off. I was laid off in September of 2020 as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic. It was very hard for me. I had a very difficult time, and I really had to work at resolving the way that I felt about the situation. I had to come up with my own way to manage it, and I have since shared that process with many clients over time. You can read that here.

I also have a general pivot resume template that I created. This covers the general job functions that cover most pivots. It is set-up Mad Libs style for you to fill in.

If your position has not yet been eliminated and you just want to start thinking about how to prep, I have a layoff prep checklist that you can go through.

And then lastly, if you are looking for more direct support, I'd be very happy to talk to you. I do a free virtual strategy session that you can start at any time of the day.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Our hearts are with you. We are sending you all our good thoughts.

Has your confidence been knocked down by something that happened to you at work?

We've all been there, and let me tell you, it's completely normal to feel shaken after experiencing workplace trauma, layoff, or firing.

When I got laid off during the pandemic, I found myself struggling with unexpected grief.

No goodbyes, no hugs, just... silence.

The office where I'd spent years of my life suddenly became unreachable, like a theater set that had been struck after the final performance. People I spent every day with, who helped welcome my son into the world, who came to my Dad’s funeral – gone.

But here's what I learned: healing requires intentional closure.

What worked for me that might work for you too:

The Letter Writing Ritual

I wrote letters to everyone I needed to say goodbye to - not to send, but to release. Then (here's the cathartic part), I burned them and sent them down the garbage disposal. Dramatic? Maybe. Healing? Absolutely.

The Gratitude Shift

Every morning, I practiced gratitude for that job. I journaled about:

• Skills I gained

• Relationships I built

• Experiences that shaped me

This simple practice transformed my bitter energy into something more constructive.

But then I needed something more. I needed ways to get out of my head all the time. I needed ways to get grounded.

I recommend:

• Morning walks

• Journaling

• Movement practices, like yoga or pilates or dancing

Why is this so crucial, especially if you're job searching?

Because let's be honest - the job search process can feel like being in an emotional boxing ring. Each rejection, each "not quite right" can feel like a personal hit. But when you're grounded in your worth, these hits don't knock you down as hard.

What I would love to see you do:

1. Create your closure ritual (it doesn't have to involve fire!)

2. Start a daily gratitude practice focused on what you appreciate in your life

3. Choose one grounding practice and commit to it for 30 days

4. Document your journey - notice how your energy shifts

Your confidence isn't built in grand moments; it's cultivated in daily practices that remind you of your inherent worth.

Remember this: The job search process is testing your resilience, not your value.

Your worth isn't determined by your employment status or others' opinions of your experience.

Stay connected to yourself. Stay grounded in your truth. The right opportunity will recognize what you bring to the table.

Good luck out there, my friends. I am always rooting for you!

As someone who has experienced a layoff firsthand, I know how important it is to be prepared for the possibility of losing your job. While it’s never easy to think about being one of those selected for layoff, the truth is that it’s always better to be prepared than to be caught off guard.

If you read or watch the news with any regularity, you might think we’re already in a recession. Inflation is high, and tech layoffs have been constant for months now. But in reality, as of January 2023, the job market remains tight and the unemployment rate remains low. No recession – yet. That all might change further in the year as the Fed continues to increase interest rates as it pursues its plan to fight inflation and cool the hot labor market. If a worldwide pandemic caused by a bat coronavirus has proven anything, it’s that no one can predict the future. What we do know is that it’s important to prepare for a potential layoff in advance, whether there have been signs one might be coming or not, and definitely if you see one in your tea leaves.

If You Believe Your Layoff Is Imminent

Let’s start with the incredibly practical and immediate: Many people use their work email address for their professional affiliations and some even use it for personal reasons. Change these over to another email address. If you do get laid off, you might completely lose access to your email with no notice. If your membership in professional orgs related to your work is important to you, change the email address so you don’t lose access. Do the same with any personal emails that are coming there, especially your health insurance. I had always used my work email address for my health insurance, thinking I would always be going to a new work account – ha! I was a sweet summer child. Don’t make that mistake.

Next, I recommend two steps. First, get a copy of any legal documents you’ve signed for this employment. Have you signed a non-disclosure agreement (NDA)? Do you have a non-compete? You want to read these documents with fresh eyes and have them saved to a personal drive so you can refer to them when preparing your LinkedIn, resume, cover letter, and interview stories. Depending on what these documents say, you might also want to save examples of your work to a personal drive. Some workplaces strictly prohibit this so please refer back to those documents above all else. However, if you can use examples of your work for a portfolio, writing samples, or work samples, it will be incredibly helpful to you. This is your time to grab those items before you lose access to your drives.

If You Believe Your Layoff Is Coming Within This Quarter

Most people put off medical and dental care because workplaces are notorious for leave shaming. Given the state of COVID, the tripledemic, employee absenteeism, and child illness, the likelihood is that you are overworked, exhausted, and not taking care of yourself even more than normal. I’m going to need you to stop that and get on the caring for yourself train. That tooth that’s bothering you? It’s going to hurt a lot more in a few months, and without dental insurance or on COBRA, the pain intensifies. If you’ve got something that’s been bothering you, please go get it checked out. Have you been putting off preventive care? The time is now for that colonoscopy. And even if you feel as fit as a fiddle, please go for a check-up and have a general blood work panel done. Follow up on anything that comes up immediately. This is for you and anyone else on your health insurance.

Next, please stock up on your medications and those of your family members. There are obviously a great number of rules and restrictions on this, but some doctors and pharmacists will make adjustments if you tell them that you believe you will be losing your health insurance. It’s worth doing what you can, and talking to them to see if it will help.

If You Believe Your Layoff Is Coming This Year

You might think if you knew a layoff was coming this far off, you would leave rather than prep. My opinion is that there might be reasons for sticking it out. Maybe severance, maybe pride, maybe some benefit specific to your workplace. Who knows?

One of the most effective ways to prepare for a layoff this far off is to start building up your savings. This can help to cushion the blow if you do lose your job and give you the flexibility to make better choices, rather than necessary choices. You have to start somewhere! Even having one paycheck saved is better than none. And then you just keep adding to your savings account. Experts recommend having at least six months of expenses saved up in case of a layoff, but if you’ve been reading LinkedIn posts about how long it has taken some to return to the workforce, you’d probably aim for more. My personal recommendation is one year. In my family, we call this fund “the lifeboat.”

Another important long-term step in preparing for a layoff is to nurture your professional network. This can include connecting with current colleagues and vendors, joining industry-specific groups or organizations, staying active on LinkedIn, and touching base with your former colleagues and contacts. Nurturing your professional network – or even starting to build one if you’ve neglected it – can help you stay connected to potential job opportunities and can also provide valuable support and resources in the event of a layoff. Research shows that casual connections are better for a job search than warmer contacts so don’t worry about having to build lifelong friendships here.

Your current job is probably full of all sorts of “opportunities” for you to take on extra work for no additional compensation. I don’t like this at all, but I do think taking on additional responsibilities at work is a way to add a skill to your resume, work on a big project, and meet new people, which can help you with your next career move. You have to weigh the pain of the additional work with the potential benefit, but it’s definitely something to consider.

If You Believe Your Layoff Is A Sign

Maybe you love what you do and want to continue on your current career path. Or maybe you have taken 35+ Buzzfeed quizzes on what your next career should be. A layoff or potential layoff can be a good time to reassess your life and how your career fits into it. Does it fit in your life or does it take over?

Or maybe you’d just like to make more money. According to recent research, people who change jobs are more likely to experience salary growth than those who stay with the same employer. This means that if you do experience a layoff, it could be an opportunity to explore new career paths and potentially earn a higher salary.

If you’re thinking changing careers might be the answer, listen to this podcast episode where I interview Christie Nadratowski about leaving higher ed / ed tech for tech / customer success.

Remember, You Are Not Your Work

Finally, it’s important to remember that a layoff is not indicative that you are not worthy. Capitalism ties our worth as humans to our productive output. In fact, layoffs have been called by sociologists a form of “social death” – the condition of people not accepted as fully human by wider society.

You are a person who works because eating never gets old. If you live in America, your ability to care for your body, teeth, and eyes is largely connected to employment. But you, you are not your job. You are a human with loves and gripes and talents and people who love you. If you’re selected for layoff, it does not make you less. You are still worthy.

And if you’re living under the threat of layoff or remaining after organization layoffs, you are worthy too.

In conclusion, it’s always better to be prepared than to be caught off guard. By reviewing what your current situation is and taking the appropriate actions, you can be better equipped to weather the storm if you do experience a layoff. And with the potential for salary growth when changing jobs or negotiating your salary or pursuing a new career path, a layoff can even be an opportunity to change your life for the better. It certainly has been for me. So don’t be afraid to start preparing for the possibility of a layoff – it could be the best thing you ever do for yourself.

(Above – You, a little worse for wear.)

If you've ever been the only one left in your department after a round of layoffs, you know how overwhelming it can be to suddenly have all that extra work on your plate. Department of 8? Try party of one. It can be an emotionally draining experience, often traumatizing, and it's completely normal to feel grief and sadness for your coworkers, guilt that you still have a job, and anger at your supervisors who did this to you.

But when layoffs happen at an organization, it’s because things are not going well. There’s no time for processing, let alone a break. How do you survive all the extra work and manage your grief and guilt at the same time? Here are a few tips to help you get through it:

Take breaks

It's always important to take breaks, especially when you feel like you don't have time. Taking breaks can help you to recharge and refocus, which can make you more productive in the long run. This never feels true in the moment, but it always is. Exhaustion makes a 15-minute task take an hour. Take a 30-minute break, do it in 15 minutes, and save 15 minutes!

Reach out for support

It's okay to feel overwhelmed and sad after a round of layoffs. Reach out to a friend or family member for support, or consider talking to a therapist to help you process your emotions. Processing is key to being able to work through how you feel while continuing to do the work you need to do to keep your job.

Set boundaries

It can be tempting to try to do everything on your own after a layoff, but it's important to set boundaries and ask for help when you need it. This can help you to avoid burnout and maintain a healthy work-life balance. This might include not taking calls on weekends or not responding to emails after 6 PM. These boundaries should align with your needs and your life.

Focus on what you can control

It's natural to feel anxious and worried after a layoff, but try to focus on what you can control. And what’s out of your control? You have to release your obligation to those tasks, situations, people, etc. You can control your own actions, not other people’s. You can control what you say “yes” or “no” to, not how people respond to that.

Take care of yourself

Make sure to prioritize your health and well-being during this stressful time. This might mean getting enough sleep, eating well, and finding time for activities that help you relax and de-stress. I love going for a 30-minute walk every day. Some folks need to journal or meditate. Find your non-negotiables and work them into your day.

Remember that it's not personal

You being kept, someone else being laid off, these are business decisions that have nothing to do with your worth. You are worthy. Your work is not your identity.

Look for opportunities

While it may be difficult to think about at first, it's important to remember that layoffs within an organization can bring opportunities. Can you get a new title for taking on more work? Can you take on a task that will look great on your resume? Can you get some budget or management experience? Look for ways to take on new responsibilities or explore new career paths without having to take big risks.

One last tip: A lot of folks remaining at an organization after a mass layoff feel guilt. Because they feel so guilty, they avoid talking, texting, emailing, or even checking in at all on their former colleagues. This avoidance makes the folks who have been laid off feel terrible, and it does nothing to help the folks remaining feel better. Isolation makes everything worse. Instead, focus on connection. It’s not their fault or your fault; you’re both experiencing the effects of a toxic system. Connect genuinely, in a method that feels good to you, instead of shunning people.

It's not easy to survive all the extra work and manage your grief and sadness after a layoff. Whether we like it or not (I don’t like it), work has become a primary community for us all. But by taking care of yourself, setting strong boundaries with your work, and centering the human connection, you can navigate this very difficult circumstance, survive it, and come out whole on the other side.

Hello, and welcome to Cuss Words with Cristin. I kid, I kid.

This is another edition of “Dear Cristin” (submit your question here), and today we're going to talk about how to stop buying shit. Some people might say stuff, but it really is shit, isn't it?

This question came up during a session with not one, but two of my coaching clients so I thought it would be a great topic to discuss in depth.

A lot of people I know joke about spending $100 every time they go to Target. And it's funny because it's true, but also why is it true? What about Target makes you need a new purse and a new shirt and new notebook and another pillow for the couch?

Welcome to capitalism, my friends!

I personally never gave any thought to any of this until I was going to have a tiny human. I lived in a very small apartment in New York City, that I loved very much, and it was already max capacity on stuff. I like organizing and everything was always well set up and easy to find and access, but now we had to fit another human in the apartment, and though the human would be tiny, their stuff would not be.

I knew from the beginning that I would not be able to buy all the stuff that my friends normally did for babies. I needed to think about it differently so I started by researching tiny living, tiny living with kids, city babies, and other related topics. From there, my brain had to compute that we did not actually need the thousands of items you are told you need when you're having a baby. This poked some of my longstanding conditioning, but I was mentally supported in that I already lived in the city without many of the things other folks deemed necessary. If I could do without those "necessities," I could do without some of this baby stuff, right?

Another factor, I did not want to find out the tiny human's sex in advance. Living in a patriarchy, our lives revolve around sex and gender in ways that infuriate me. I thought it would be nice for my wee human to not have outcomes determined by genitalia for at least some time of its known existence. And unfortunately, this was the only time I could give the young bean without this societal burden, but give the gift I would. That meant people could not buy me camo onesies or puffy tutus or whatever they deemed gender appropriate. But it was also very difficult to find gender-neutral items to buy the tiny in advance. This piqued my curiosity, and I learned a lot.

There's a picture of FDR from 1884 in a dress. Back then, boys wore dresses and had long hair until 6 or 7. Gendered toys premiered around the 1940's post World War II as a way to get people spending and get the economy booming. Wealthier families would buy a whole new set of things that were geared to either boys or girls. There's lots of other capitalistic changes that happened around that time to get people buying. You might notice that yourself if you're an Elder Millennial like myself and had depression-era grandparents who bought nothing and boomer parents who went ape shit crazy buying everything under the sun - twice!

But back to gendered toys, that fell away in the 1970's, possibly with second-wave feminism, but then came back with a vengeance in the 1980's. By 1995, half of all toys in the Sears catalog were gendered. And you're alive today so you know how it's going.

Attempting to stay genderless for clothes and toys and baby gear was near impossible, and ultimately, no one bought me any baby clothes so I did myself. Faced with genital mystery, people will choose not to choose!

But this got me thinking about capitalism. A lot! Because in addition to the baby stuff like swings and bouncers, and the baby items like onesies and toys, there's also all the baby experiences and the need to fill all your and the baby's time.

AND AND AND I could go on forever about all the post-baby Mama targeting from Facebook ads about my weight to MLM "friends" private messaging me about my weight and the constant need to "fix" myself, as if I could return to the version of myself that existed before.

This is a rather complicated way to say that in one year's time, I had an intense viewing of capitalism's need to market to you - poke your problem, agitate the shit out of it, and offer their paid solution. This is always happening to us all the time, but a new Mom is a ripe target, hence my experience.

Capitalism's ultimate goal is for us all to buy more and more so that profit margins are ever-increasing for shareholders. This ultimately exploits everyone. Profit is not endless and ever-increasing. To do so, capitalism must exploit the employees who build the shit we all buy, and the reason jobs moved overseas from the US in the first place is to take advantage of the lower cost of wages (increase that profit margin) and fewer regulations that took advantage of people, the environment, water supply, and climate (all to increase that profit margin). This is why economic inequality in the United States is greater now then it was in France just prior to the French Revolution. The great wealth transfer has been further aggravated by the COVID-19 pandemic where the world's billionaires' wealth grew by 54%, increasing by $4 trillion.

Capitalism needs you to buy, more and more, with its insatiable appetite. That's the why you're buying so much shit. It needs you too.

How about the mechanics? Is there some gremlin ordering all this stuff? Yes, that gremlin is you! Marketers in essence use your brain against you. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that is a happiness or feel-good chemical that gets released in the seeking of and the receipt of a reward. And if you're having the item delivered, in the online shopping world, you actually increase your dopamine hit in anticipation of the reward. Evolutionarily, this brain-behavior kept you seeking and finding food. It kept you alive. In today's world, it keeps you poor, your home full of shit you need to clean or dust and organize, and I firmly believe, and small studies show, contributes to ongoing anxiety.

How is this all reinforced? Through white supremacy and patriarchy and classism and of course capitalism. Keeping up with the Joneses means getting a bigger car. It means going to Disney for vacation. It means owning a home instead of renting, an unpopular opinion I know. It means updating your wardrobe seasonally. It means fast fashion and clothing you can't wear after you wash the item once. It means none of your kitchen appliances or cookware can look like they've been used before. It means putting your kid in private school instead of your local school with the people who actually live around you. It means taking trips to tourism desperate areas that have to tolerate the COVID you bring with you because they cannot afford to say no to your vacation.

I recently read a blog post from David Cain that he wrote on his site Raptitude back in 2011. He had returned to work after time away, and he was somewhat surprised at his return to bad habits he had broken. He wasn't walking or working out or going to the park. He was spending money, a lot of money, more than before. Of course, he had a job so he could. But why was he? Well, because he was time-poor with commuting, the 8-hour day plus lunch, and more commuting. He made purchases because he didn't have time but also because he needed the small pick-me-ups purchases brought him. He called the piece "Your Lifestyle Has Already Been Designed." A section from the piece is making the rounds on social media that I'll briefly share:

"But the 8-hour workday is too profitable for big business, not because of the amount of work people get done in 8 hours (the average office worker gets less than 3 hours of actual work done in 8 hours) but because it makes for such a purchase happy public. Keeping free time scarce means people pay a lot more for convenience, gratification, and any other relief they can buy. It keeps them watching television and commercials. It keeps them unambitious outside of work."

This might sound a bit over the top to you, but I literally just read a CNN piece that businesses needed employees back in office buildings, not because it was productive, not because it was good for the employees, not because it was good for companies, but because of all the businesses that depend on those office workers.

So to summarize what we've covered so far: 1) My own realization of how capitalism was manipulating my own spending, and 2) how marketing uses 'isms to push capitalism's agenda.

So what does this all mean for you - how can you stop buying so much shit?

I think it starts here. How does understanding how you're being manipulated make you feel? In Emperor's New Clothes, are you cheering on this naked human? Well, maybe you're cheering, but you're not pretending these threads are fine or you wouldn't be listening to this.

You're being manipulated! It's time to start thinking about how; we know why. What are the deep-seated issues that marketers are agitating for you? Your weight? Your need for friendship and community? Your longing for family? Your children's future? The important thing to know is that nothing, absolutely nothing you buy will bring you these things. This is manipulation of your core desired feelings.

Once you've identified what's being manipulated, think about what it makes you do. I'm uncomfortable in my body so I want new clothes that will make me feel better but I don't know my size and don't want to actually know it so I buy purses! Or shoes! Or sunglasses! Buying sunglasses doesn't help you feel comfortable in your clothes! Or maybe I'm so disorganized and I want to be organized so I buy a planner. But this one doesn't make me organized so I will buy a new one. And nope not this one, another new one. And a new one and a new one and a new one - guess what? There is no perfect planner to organize you, even though that Instagram ad says THIS ONE is.

You can look around your home to see what shit is piling up. You can look through your Amazon orders. You can look at your bank account. You can ask someone who loves you. What are you buying? Sometimes rather uncontrollably.

Figuring out the action is typically quick, that's probably why you're asking how to stop buying so much shit in the first place. The why can be harder. Dig in there. I like journaling or talking to myself to figure out what the heck I am doing. It can take some time.

Next, I recommend replacing the activity with a less dangerous one. For me, I really wanted to be a different person so I had an obsession with self-improvement. I replaced my purchasing habits with two activities: 1) Signing up and sometimes taking free classes with Coursera and edX, and 2) Downloading, putting on hold, and occasionally reading library books. Both of these were free. I did not spend any money so there was no risk if I didn't take the class or read the book. I got the same dopamine hit when a new class started or a hold library book was released (the anticipation and reward). And eventually, I weaned myself off.

Now, you do still have to buy things. How I handled this at first was having a list in my phone for needs and gift ideas. I couldn't buy things that weren't on the list. Moving to a capsule wardrobe and eventually a uniform was instrumental in this, but I'll cover that in another episode. Ultimately, I no longer need the list to control my purchasing but it was a big help in the interim.

I hope this background and these tips are helpful in stopping yourself from being a capitalist shit-collection machine. Continue the conversation here on Substack, and I'll catch you again next week.

This is “Dear Cristin,” where folks ask me for help with their work and worth questions. (Ask your question here.) Today we're going to talk about how to find a mentor.

This is a question I get with some frequency, and it's a good one. You'll often hear interviews with people doing what you want to be doing, and they'll credit a mentor for their growth. You'll think how can I get some of this kind of growth through a magical mentor? And like all magic, it's practical (and also one of my favorite books, Practical Magic by Alice Hoffman). Growth through mentorship comes from having the right mentor for YOU and your goals. The right mentor for one person is wrong for another. And the right mentor relationship is right for one person and wrong for someone else. Recognizing that this is a process, not a formula, will help you find a mentor and the right mentorship for you.

So let's work through the process, and it has seven steps. Seven might seem like a lot, but I promise most of them are simple. Although I'll start with being as asshole because the first step is not simple.

First, I want you to sit with the question, why do you want a mentor? I am a big fan of either journaling or having conversations with myself. Journal-wise, I will either sit down with my pen and notebook or open up a new note in my digital notebook. Sometimes, I will have whole-ass conversations with myself. This used to make a person look a touch off, but now, you can pop headphones in and everyone will think you are actually talking to someone else. And sometimes I do actually send myself a Voxer message so I am actually recording the message. Voxer is a walkie-talkie app, but you could even use the audio recorder app that comes with your smartphone. That helps if you want to listen back to the message although I never do. For me it's the process of talking that brings insight. I also have clients who I will have respond to questions from me, and we will record the back and forth on Zoom. Then I can pull the video into Descript (or you could use Otter.AI), and you will have an actual transcript of your responses. Besides asking yourself, "Why do I want a mentor?" also ask yourself:

"What would make this experience good?"

And, "What would happen for me to consider this a success?"

I find that with most people, they experience some sort of success normalization. Normalization is the process of becoming used to conditions over time that at one time seemed extraordinary. So perhaps when you first start working toward a goal, you would be amazingly happy to get to X place. But if you don't identify that place in advance, you'll be at Y place, now far passed X, and still be beating yourself up. I consider this universal advice so put it in your pocket, but in particular for finding a mentor, if you don't know what success looks like, you don't know what to look for. Do you want someone who will hold your feet to the fire? Do you want someone who gives good pep talks? Do you need someone who has done the thing you want to do, maybe navigating a male-dominated space? Maybe succeeding as a Black woman in a white-dominated industry? What matters to you? Write it down and keep it someplace you can refer back to.

For me, I journal or type, but when I have nailed down my specifics, I make a pretty graphic in Canva and keep it someplace prominent, typically in my Milanote. Sometimes it's the background on my desktop. You decide.

Next, our second step is the research phase. Ask friends or colleagues if they have a mentor, and once you've identified a few people that do, ask them what's it like and what do they like about it? I always start with open-ended questions and then dive in as it makes sense to. Be curious! If they aren't happy, why are they sticking with it? How long have they been working with this person? How did they come to meet each other? Is it formalized in any way? Are they paying for mentorship?

Now you might have had a mentor in the past, but I would still do this research phase because I think expectations change over time, and you also can get a lot of useful information from other folks in your space.

As for whether or not you should pay for mentorship, I think it depends on your space. I have never paid to be mentored or had someone pay me. For me, it's about really liking the person and the work they do in the world, and wanting that work to be everywhere. But I do have a few clients that do ongoing maintenance packages with me, and I think if I really interrogated them about why, it's for the ongoing feedback and mentorship that I provide them. Proceed as makes sense to you.

Next step, step 3, is to find your mentor's natural habitat. Most frequently, this is finding professional organizations where your would-be mentor would be a member. This information might come from step 2's research. But this could look different depending on your space. Maybe it's Facebook groups. Maybe it's a Twitter hashtag. Maybe it's Substack or Discord. Maybe it's a type of gathering space like The Wing or We Work, which have both had well-deserved PR nightmares in the COVID-19 pandemic so this is not an endorsement. Finding where the type of person who would be a good fit as your mentor hangs out is a great place to find many of the right type of person. Some colleges and universities have mentor programs for alumni, and some of them have online communities or forums where you can meet each other. Wide net this research and give yourself a lot of options.

And then step 4 is easy. Join the places that make sense. If cost is a barrier, figure out whom you might know who might know whom you're trying to meet. I've seen this go over well in Facebook groups I am in. "Does anyone know someone who X or Y or Z," and you will often find your connection. Be bold!

Step 5 is actually starting to research the folks from step 4 in ways that make sense to you based on your energy and personality. Go to networking events and start there. A lot of places are having virtual events. Or definitely do not do that if it makes you start to tear up. Then maybe go to the member directory instead. Web search the names and find their professional social accounts. Maybe find them on LinkedIn. Maybe find them on Twitter. Read their words. Listen to them if they have been guests on podcasts. Do you like them? Do their values match your values?

Step 6 is gather a list of potential people together. Do you have mutual connections? Do they attend networking events so if you did attend you would get a chance to meet them in person? Could you ask for a coffee chat? Is there some way you could have one on one interaction? This is not to ask for mentorship but to see if you have rapport. I've had many folks get to this step to discover that the person they thought was an ideal mentor was a bad fit. But no harm done because you haven't spoken about mentorship yet. You get to say, whew, dodged a bullet there. But if you do find someone who is a good fit, it's time for step 7 -

Ask if they would be willing to talk to you about mentorship. Do not be upset if they say no. If they do, it means they take mentorship seriously, and that's a good thing. If they say no, head back to step 6 and see who else would be a good fit.

And if they say yes, make sure you set really clear expectations. How often will you meet? About what? Where? What will communication look like in between? And by what avenues? Social DM's might be a no, but text might be perfect. Or maybe only email or maybe no communication in between meetings. And maybe meetings once a month or maybe once a quarter. It's about works best for both of you.

It's also possible to have different mentors for different things. To be so lucky to have more than one!

To summarize what we covered:

1. Answer the questions: Why do you want a mentor? What would make this experience good? What would happen for me to consider this a success?

2. Research phase! Ask friends or colleagues if they have a mentor, and once you've identified a few people that do, ask them what's it like and what do they like about it?

3. Research and find many professional organizations where your mentor would be a member.

4. Join them.

5. Attend networking opportunities, Zoom or otherwise, go to the directory, connect with these folks on LinkedIn, and research folks.

6. Get together a list of 5 potential people, research if you have mutuals, ask for a coffee chat, meet with them, DO NOT ask for mentorship, and see if you have rapport.

7. Find someone? Ask them if they might be interested in mentoring you; if they say no, it's okay! It means they take this seriously. Respect their decision. Repeat the process.

There we have it! My process for finding a good fit mentor for you.

If you're looking for practical support like many of my clients, take a look at my package offerings to see how we can work together at workandworthcoach.com/coaching.

Your household is a container full of smaller and smaller containers.

And though I love the Container Store as much as the next organized person, I don’t mean physical containers – although they can be – I mean spaces to contain your life.

Your dresser is a container for your clothes, your under-the-bed bin for your blankets, or your pantry for your food. You might have a box you keep favorite cards or letters you’ve received, or a place for your jewelry.

Containers.

I think that keeping healthy containers in your life – both physical space and boundaries – help increase your capacity or energy and allow you the space you need in your life to create.

You might have a container around your bedroom – no work happens in there, only sleeping! (Studies support this as a wise move, btw.) You might use a virtual Zoom background as a container to keep your work life and home life separate during the unprecedented pandemic. (If someone gives you shit about doing this, please email me and I will be your workplace advocate.)

All of these are containers! And household containers can support us or hurt us as much as boundaries can.

First and most importantly, please know that it is much harder to return things to a container if it’s not easy for you to do so. For example, short folks who have divorced their tall partners report taking years before they realize they don’t need to use the top shelf. Or in my case, I had a very complicated under-the-kitchen-sink organizing system that was fine when I was single and sent me into a rage at 4 am with a very awake baby. Life changes, containers need to change, and assessing how they affect us can make our lives easier.

However, you can sometimes choose to make the container not easy for you, and if you do, the reason must be more important than the ease. For example, my father gave me an antique pitcher and basin when my husband and I moved in together. The basin is large. The pitcher is heavy. The whole set needs to be – dusted! Dusted, folks, I am not known for my dusting. I have always loved that gift though, and since my father passed away in January, I will *cut* anyone who gives that pitcher set even a side-eye. The pitcher and basin – they’re love. They don’t need to be ease filled because they are love-filled.

But on the flip side, I had a box given to me by a friend who ditched me and then burned me in the rona times. And that box got donated, thank you very much. It made me angry or sad every time I looked at it, and now, it’s bringing someone else joy. This was an effective container change for me.

If you too need to create more effective containers, most likely because the clutter of your household is getting to you when you cannot leave it in a worldwide pandemic – this is how I would tackle it.

Household Container Clearing Steps

1. Get real about your possessions.

No, I am not Marie Kondo. (Her drawer method is life-changing though, it really is.) American capitalism is always pushing you to need and want more and more and more, to the point that most people’s homes can’t even fit everything. If this is you, you will have to do some pairing down to fit into the container of your home. Or move into a new home, I’m not telling you what to do, just suggesting that this part is physics. Mary Poppins’ bag is sadly not available on Amazon.

This doesn’t mean you need to get rid of everything you own! It means you need to be intentional about what you own. Do you have clothes you hate? A hat too small for your head? Books that you read and hated but are still holding on to? Donate or sell, but clear the space.

And be honest with yourself. People tell themselves all sorts of crazy stories about everything under the sun, but no more than they do about their stuff. This blazer makes me a real executive (even though the button can’t close over my giant post baby breasts). This leather skirt makes me a real artist (even though I am scared to wear it because what if I spill?). Etc etc. Don’t bullshit yourself. If you need help, Zoom a straight shooter friend of yours for help.

2. What do you have that can pull double duty?

Ottomans! Shelves! Hooks! Drawers! All the natural containers you already have might be able to fill a dual purpose. I wanted a place to sit down at my front door and put my shoes on, and I had an ottoman that I had been using for toys for my Bean. I organized the toys in his room in a different way – on shelves installed in the closet – and took the ottoman for the door. Now I could sit to put on my shoes and store items near the door. Didn’t need to buy anything, didn’t add something new to the space, plus it serves dual purpose in its new role.

Do you have a need and an item that can be matched? For me, I had these shelves I loved but didn’t know where to put them and couldn’t find bedstands I liked that were in stock in the pandemic. Need, meet your match!

3. What can you replace with something that can pull double duty? Or even triple duty?

Do you have a chair that you don’t really like but an ottoman you do? Could you donate the chair, replace it with the ottoman and store the vacuum in there?

Maybe you have 3 small shelves that make it hard for you to move around your kitchen, but if replace them with one long shelf with hooks, you could move around freely and hang your apron?

These can either be items you already have or items you can source, including buying. Sometimes I will put a new container on my wish list, and I will figure out another way, and sometimes, a friend just gifts me it in the mail.

4. How can these containers be easy?

If you only use something once a year, it does not need to be in the front of the closet.

If the cat litter box is in the closet, can you store the litter and scoop right next to it with the spare bags so it’s an easy chore?

Where can you store the laundry basket so it’s easy to handle? If you have a bad back, maybe storing it in the laundry room makes the most sense. If you have a bad back, maybe a laundry basket in addition to the hamper makes the most sense. Do what works for you and your life.

I have a basket on the kitchen breakfast bar as a COVID-19 catch all. Masks, hand sanitizer, wipes, etc. live there. My husband hates the basket, and he desires it to move. But it is the absolutely best location for it, and we can easily find these items related to our safety. Practicality combined with safety combined with ease of use make this container more important than the annoyance of having it on the counter.

Is this an overnight process? No. Sadly no. It took my years to find my container balance. But bit by bit, it got better and better, and easier and easier.

My only other tip is that after finding this delicate balance, you must work every day to keep it. I personally prefer to restore items to their home throughout the day. I would not say my husband and son agree. They usually pick up about half their items before bedtime, and I walk through once and finish the job. In theatre terms, I restore the home so when we wake up the next morning, we are ready to go, starting off on the right foot.

Is that emotional and physical labor? Yes. Am I carrying the mental load? Yes. But does it make everything easier for me in the long run, yes, it does. And I think we make incremental progress as a family pack all the time, especially in the pandemic because we get to practice every day.

If you try this process, let me know how it goes for you. May you feel lighter and grounded and ready to kick ass. Godspeed.

Hi Cristin,

I have been applying, and sadly, I'm not getting a lot of traction. I'll continue to send out applications and see what happens. If there's still no progress, maybe I need to tweak the resume. Honestly, I don't think getting a customer success job is rocket science, but I wonder why it's so hard to land an interview.

Any tips for what I can try next?

Regards,

Desperately Seeking (Customer) Success

Hi Desperately Seeking (Customer) Success,

First and foremost, congratulations for putting your resume out there in front of people! Not only do you have something ready to send, but you're actually sending it! And you're seeking help now – you're crushing it!

It's also a really competitive market out there, for customer success, for SaaS roles, and multiply that difficulty if searching for remote. So it's very normal to be having a tough time right now.

I have a question and two thoughts for you.

Question: How manys jobs have you applied to?

I ask because the number a person needs to apply to has greatly increased in The Great Resignation. Pre-Great Resignation, we would test with 25. Now it's 50, and that's only true if you're applying for the same role type / similar company type. If you're generalizing a bit, you will need to do more than 50.

So if you haven't done 50 applications yet, don't count your resume out.

Thought #1: When in doubt, head back to the job postings and make sure you're meeting what they're asking for and you're using their language.

This is a common problem – you're meeting a portion of the job duty asks and expecting the reader to understand you've got the rest of the experience. Fill in the gaps for them, and use their language, not yours, to describe that experience.

Thought #2: Try to avoid applying for anything over 100 applicants. I don't think it's a good use of time. If you're not a perfect match for the posting – and pivoters (career changers) usually aren't – you're not going to stand out from the perfect match candidates. And if there's 1K applicants to a posting, it's likely there will be dozens of perfect matches.

You can also turn on the "under 10 applicants" option on LinkedIn job search and focus on low applicant positions.

Thank you for reaching out and best of luck!

My best,

Cristin

P.S. If you have your own question for me, go to this link to submit yours.

Hello, hello, today we're going to talk about grace.

A client recently was giving herself a hard time. She wasn't progressing as quickly as she wanted to be. She felt like she had clarity on what she wanted but couldn't get her actions to match her desires. But she had also been going through a very difficult rough patch, work wise, relationship wise, physically, furry friend wise. And since it's 2021, there's also a pandemic. Honestly, it's a shit show for the world and specifically for her, and Lordy, I have been there. And fairly recently. I sometimes think if I knew everything that was going to come at me in 2018 to 2020 ish, I would have probably... I don't know. Definitely cried. I would have been incapacitated by terror. But that's not how it works, right, we don't know what's going to happen, we just keep going, one step after the other, sometimes two steps back, and somehow we keep moving. And sometimes the only thing we're moving through is time. Sometimes our bodies and our brains are in a jar of peanut butter. Yet time marches on.

And I think because of that, sometimes we can forget how much we're going through when we look at each instance by itself. But that's not how trauma or grief or sleep deprivation works. That shit is cumulative and you cannot look at events individually. Compound factors.

OR there is a very real possibility that we judge ourselves based on old metrics, rules, or even old childhood or family patterns around being strong or taking one for the team - as in your family - or whatever story you're currently playing out. You might be reading from an old script about how you are supposed to be.

So I suggested to my beautiful client that she give herself a bit of grace after everything she's been going through.

And she said, okay, give myself grace, that sounds reasonable. But what does it actually look like? What do I actually do to give myself grace?

That, my rockstars, that very excellent question is what we're going to dive into today.

You can be told a thousand times to give yourself grace, but if you don't know what that flipping means, practically, it's just another cute kitschy Target item you have to dust. I'll preface everything I suggest here with a caveat - this will differ for each person. I'm going to cover the types of things to consider, and how it has worked for me and my current and past clients. But everything I talk about, always, will differ per person. There will be things that you will out and out reject, and that is absolutely amazing. Knowing what won't work is so flipping useful. And anyone whomever tells you there is ONE singular way to do something is giving you a big clue that it's time to run in the opposite direction.

We're going to cover 3 points:

1) People pleasing and how it fills your time.

2) Committing to actions because of how you think you should be.

3) Believing you need to do something a certain way for it to be done at your level of expectations.

First and foremost, I allow myself to do less which very often allows me to do more of what I actually need to do. But it doesn't have to, that's just often a byproduct of doing less.

A lot of people, especially anyone who identifies as a woman, connect their self worth with how people feel about them, which results in a ton of people pleasing. It's hard to knock that out of your head. Mine was a happy accident.

What happened was, I had a baby. I had a hard time with the milk making, and I had to go back to work at 6 weeks because AMERICA and there was little to no sleeping and there was so much eating and pumping. Seriously, I was Brad Pitt in Ocean's Eleven, I had to eat so much to make milk for my giant baby. When I look back on that first year of my son's life, I am always surprised I survived. That's a summary of my activities - work long hours, pretend at work to not have a baby, eat, feed baby, rock baby, wonder how people had second babies. People pleasing had no time in that schedule. Of course, at first, I attempted to maintain my previous level of people pleasing, but it was not physically possible - both related to my exhaustion and the laws of physics. I said yes to a few too many people in those first months, and it resulted in lots of crying and messing things up, and I realized I need to stop. But I didn't know how to stop. I came up with this idea that I would create a list in my phone, in Evernote, and it had 5 spots. Every time I said yes to helping someone, it took a spot. Even if that item was months away, say like performing a wedding ceremony - yes, I am a Reverend - it took a spot. I felt like there was emotional labor and thought as soon as I said yes, and the task needed space on the list. Once the 5 spots were gone, they were gone, and then I had to start saying... NO. At first, I tried to explain the 5 spots concept, but then I just said, I wish I could but no. Sometimes, people were fine. Sometimes people cheered, yes, say no. And sometimes people stopped being friends with me or associates of mine.

This very simple list saved my life. And eventually, over time, I no longer needed the list. I somehow began to understand that 1) people didn't need me to do things for them for them to love me, and 2) how to prioritize my time on what I wanted to do and what would fill me up.

Are you a people pleaser? Does this story feel like you? Where are you making decisions based on how you think other people will feel? I hope this doesn't catch you off guard, but you don't even know if that perception of feeling is even true. You might be completely wrong. It's why you have to deeply connect to you - what you want to do, how you want to feel, and why. If you stopped doing things for other people, how much less would you be doing?

Second point to consider is saying yes or no to things that you think you should be able to do - or not do -  because of the kind of person you tell yourself you are. And that person would absolutely do! Or never ever do! whatever the heck is in front of you.

For example, I have a client who finds her extended family exhausting. She loves them, absolutely, they mean the world to her. But they exhaust her and stress her out beyond all measure. She loses her cool, she loses her schedule, it upsets the entire dynamic of her actual family, and it takes them weeks to recover. By why then, does she insist of them staying at her home when they come to town to visit? The stress in advance is so much, everyone has a pretty piss poor time because it's not going well, and then it takes days and sometimes weeks to restore equilibrium after her family departs. But the story she tells herself is, I am the kind of matriarch that can do this, I can fill this family role. Instead, how about some grace? Maybe the family doesn't even want to stay there but does because she insists. She insists because she believes I am this type of person, and this type of person does this.

Another client fills every second of her kids' lives. I am talking every.single.second. Camps! Teams! Classes! Play dates! And of course, these kids don't drive and there's no teleportation so she is filling every second of her life. The story she tells herself is that a good Mom makes sure her kid plays sports and a musical instrument and attends culturally events but also learns about good citizenship, and that is just not true. Do you know the average stay at home in the 70's spent less time with her kids than modern working Moms do? Moms today are killing themselves based on an illusion of some bygone era that never even really existed.

Where might you be doing this? Do you have a story that you're the party animal so you can't stay home and watch kids movies in your pajamas? Alone?

I'll tell you one of my stories is that I am an intellectual and I read high brow fiction and watch clever movies and shows. In reality, I like cozy mysteries, shoot 'em up action movies (even though I am anti gun), and apocalypse flicks. And I love them all. And that doesn't mean I don't also enjoy high brow shit; it just means that when I am happy and cozy and comfy or sad or need to work through something, I'm watching Gunpowder Milkshake.

Now, point #3, is believing you have to do something in a certain way or to a certain standard for it to "count" against some sort of imaginary, completely arbitrary made up level.

For example, I have a client who believes exercise has to look a certain way or it doesn't count. If it's not Instagrammable, is it still exercise? The answer is a resounding yes. If it's 15 minutes in your pajamas, it still counts! Does it count if you have an exercise bike that isn't a Peloton? Also yes.

I have a friend who beats herself up if she doesn't cook dinner, if it's something cold or take-out. When I was a kid, breakfast for dinner was the freaking best. I didn't think it was bad, and I have happy memories even now. And honestly, keeping kids alive is hard. If you are feeding them, that's great.

I once had a client who needed to deliver some bad news to someone, and she had decided that the way to do it was a very specific way and that was in person, face to face. She was shy and nonconfrontational, and the idea of delivering the news in person was impossible for her. We worked very hard for her to just deliver the news. If she could do this confrontation, that would be a win. She didn't need to start with something that filled her with complete terror. She could tell the person on the phone. But more than the confrontation itself, she had to give herself grace that even if she couldn't do exactly what she thought she needed to, she would still be learning and growing and delivering news that was her responsibility to give.

What about you? Have you set arbitrary immovable guidelines for yourself? What if you just let the thing happen or get done without deciding in advance what the level of perfection needs to be?

So to review, the three ways I think you should consider giving yourself some grace are:

1) Stop people pleasing and letting it fill all your time.

2) Stop doing things because you think you should be doing them to be the kind of person you think you are or should be.

3) Stop believing you need to do something a certain way for it to be done at your ridiculously high level of expectations.

How does that feel? Does it feel a little baggy, like you've got some room to breathe in that life of yours? I hope so.

Wishing you some practical grace. If you're looking for practical support like many of my clients, take a look at the ways we can work together here.